


i'll find a permanent place where the skies are gold, not gray

by kenta (takadatv)



Series: we're forever, right? [2]
Category: JBJ (Band)
Genre: - mostly.., Canon Compliant, M/M, angst warning cause it’s jbj disbandment related, but the ending is happy too!!, cause idk if this is how they feel or if this is how the news came about but, whatever i love them!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 09:58:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14494470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/takadatv/pseuds/kenta
Summary: kenta is unhappy.





	i'll find a permanent place where the skies are gold, not gray

_"Why didn't you eat, Kenta?"_

Beside him, Sanggyun is resting his chin on his hands, staring at the little phone screen with Kenta and Taehyun and not looking at him. His tone is amused — though to be fair, it always is — and Kenta knows better than to take him seriously, but he can't help the little twinge of guilt and nerves when Sanggyun brings it up again. 

Of course he didn't _mean_ to leave Sanggyun hanging today. He thought Ssanggyun meant they'd eat later that night, not literally _right then,_ so he had left to do his thing for the evening without realizing Sanggyun was waiting for him. He could easily blame the misunderstanding on how tired and distracted he is in general, and besides, Sanggyun could've sent him a text to remind him or something, but he never did. Sanggyun instead opted to mope about it until Kenta came back which is not helpful to either of them. 

Therefore, it's not completely his fault, but Kenta obviously still feels bad, even if Sanggyun is smiling whenever he pokes at the issue. He knows that his roommate genuinely likes to eat with _him,_  specifically, and Kenta isn't the type to brush that off. Plus, with all of the stress coming from preparing for their last concert, and the bitter feeling surrounding the looming unknown of what comes next — he doesn't want to miss any second he can get with Sanggyun. 

In those few seconds he has to figure out how to react to Sanggyun's teasing, Kenta feels a combination of things: he's miffed, a little bit sad, and honestly still reallyhungry.

Still, though, he hunches his shoulders and smiles at the phone with his head tucked behind Donghan's doll. "Let's talk about it later," he answers softly, joking, which makes Taehyun laugh out loud, and a chuckle bubbles up from Sanggyun as well as he covers his mouth and grins.  
  


* * *

 

" _Sooo,_ " comes Sanggyun's voice comes from across the room as their door clicks shut. "This counts as _later,_ right? Is this when we sort everything out?"

Kenta, who is already splayed out on his bed and currently scrolling through some tags on Instagram, muffles a groan into his blanket. Then, "I already said it's okay..."

"You did, but you're still upset." Kenta doesn't look up, but Sanggyun's voice comes closer. He hears the creak of a bed, and he assumes Sanggyun is settling in as well. "I can tell by your voice! It gets all whiny when you're mad at me."

Kenta really would've been okay with letting this go, because honestly it's not a big deal and he doesn't really like talking about his feelings, anyway; during the broadcast Kenta had assumed Sanggyun was just being funny and dramatic for the fans’ entertainment but now, if he's insisting on talking about it when they're alone, what does  _that_ mean? Is he himself actually upset? Or is it still about Kenta and his reactions? Kenta can't tell what Sanggyun is really feeling sometimes — he still speaks lightly, casually, and yet he has the feeling that there _is_ something deeper beneath his jokes and smiles. Kenta wishes he was better at understanding his roommate, because for all of Sanggyun's good traits — his sweet words, generosity, his energy — he can be so _confusing._..

"I'm not mad," Kenta protests, but he recognizes that pitchy tone Sanggyun pointed out and he clears his throat to adjust it. He shifts, rolling to prop himself up on his elbow as he looks across the room to see Sanggyun sitting on the edge of his bed and looking at his phone. "You're the one who's been upset at me all day," he adds, making his tone as light as possible although he still feels like he's being risky.

Sanggyun glances up from his phone and looks at him. He blinks, looking almost blank for a second, but then gives him an over-exaggerated pout. "Yeah, I'm heartbroken! I waited to eat with you but you forgot about me, I'm so hurt,"

The singsong in his voice indicates that he's still being playful, but Kenta can — or at least he _thinks_ he can— catch a slightly different, darker note in his tone. Kenta looks at him for a second and then pretends to go back to his phone, contemplating how he should respond.

As always his first instinct is to defend himself, to complain about how it's _really not his fault_ and how he doesn't get why Sanggyun wouldn't just agree to take him out later when Kenta was back from practise instead of giving up on it entirely. They would've had time! And Sanggyun knows that Kenta wants to spend time with him too, right?

Kenta doesn't like to admit when he's wrong and Sanggyun has already made him apologize once, even if it was a joke for the camera. But there is no camera here and Kenta doesn't have to play the games with him; he doesn't have to be all light-hearted jokes and smiles and whatnot and he's glad. Maybe, he thinks, just this once, it would be good to talk to Sanggyun in a serious way.

He swallows. "I'm sorry," he says, his tone lower than usual. His eyes are fixed ahead as if looking at something on his phone, but he's staring at a blank screen. "I wanted to eat with you too." He pauses Sanggyun hasn't said anything yet, so he (stubbornly) adds: "But you know, if it bothered you we still could've gone before the broadcast..."

Sanggyun's reply comes a beat too late. "Nah, it's okay. I was just joking."

_Were you?_  Kenta wants to ask, as he turns his head to look at him again, but he doesn't. Sanggyun hasn't really moved, though one arm is tucked behind his head against his pillow now. He's still wearing the black hoodie from before, although he's ditched that ball-cap — Kenta briefly wonders how long it'll be before Sanggyun decides it's too hot and takes off that sweater again, a habit kenta once found distressing, but he's used to it by now.

Kenta's long pause makes Sanggyun look away from his phone finally, making eye contact with him. He offers a closed mouth, flat-lipped smile in a look that Kenta is pretty sure is supposed to be reassuring, but he’s not convinced. "We'll go another time!" He then smiles in a wry way at himself as he adds: "Eating ramen for three days in a row isn't very good for me anyway..."

_Another time,_  Kenta reflects. He's right, they probably will. They're still going to be friends, no matter what kind of work they have to do. They've all made their promises to stick together and Kenta is sure that, at least for a while, they'll all see each other a lot. But then why does Kenta still feel upset about missing out today? Maybe  _a_ _nother time_ doesn't feel like a good enough promise with Sanggyun; Kenta wants to know  _when,_ how  _soon_ they'll get to spend time together again because it's already distressing enough to think that the days without Sanggyun constantly near him are fast approaching. 

"There's not much time left," kenta says softly, without thinking. The words are quiet but loud enough for them both to hear clearly, and they hang in the air, the tension poignant.

He will admit — even if it's only to himself for now — that there's been this desperate, aching kind of longing in his chest for Sanggyun these days, even when they're in the same room. They can be in the middle of a conversation and Kenta will still feel it, the little jabs to his stomach as he listens to Sanggyun and thinks about how soon it might be that it becomes harder to get to hear his voice. 

He will admit, still just to himself, that he wants to be as closd to Sanggyun as much as he can for as long as he can — and even when they're near it doesn't feel like it's enough. He can't figure out how to say that, though, so he's never tried.

_I'll miss you. I miss you already,_ he thinks, but even that doesn't touch on his feelings well enough. He stays quiet, until Sanggyun speaks up again.

"Kenta," Sanggyun says, with a rustle of his blankets as he sits up. "We still live together and you're already missing me? That's so romantic."

Is he a _mind-reader?_ Kenta makes a face at him, then turns over as Sanggyun laughs at his turned back. "Nevermind. Goodnight!"

"Hey, you're worrying too much." The seriousness is seeping a little more into Sanggyun's tone than usual now. Kenta presses his lips together, still facing the wall. "We still have lots of time. We're probably going to stay here for another month, right? That's a whole month of ramen dates with me to make up for today. I'll even pay for them."

Kenta doesn't respond. He continues to stare at a spot on the wall. How very  _Sanggyun_ of him it is to end up being the one trying to comfort Kenta now, when he was the one that was upset in the first place. Kenta feels pretty foolish. 

Sanggyun's words do make him feel a little bit better, though; however another month hasn't been confirmed yet and with the way things tend to go with them Kenta isn't sure if it'll work out the way they want it to. Their future is uncertain and so _scary_ and though Kenta has managed to keep up his flowery words and encouraging smiles for his fans and his members, his thoughts aren't always as hopeful. He feels bad for letting Sanggyun see the insecurities poking through, but he can't help it. He stays quiet, willing himself into silence to avoid making Sanggyun worry about him further. 

He feels petulant and childish like this, because the decisions have long since been made, but he still stubbornly wants _longer_ than a month with his friends. Outwardly, he's already expressed that he'll be okay moving on, and he'll always try to hold it in but he's afraid of how time is slipping away; he knows by now how very quickly a month can rush by and every second, every minute with Sanggyun and the others is precious to him.

Kenta is still contemplating everything and pouting at nothing when he feels his bed dip behind him, making his body shift. He turns to look over his shoulder through his bangs and he sees Sanggyun, blinking down at him.

"Oh, I thought you fell asleep."

"Would you have woken me up if I did?" Kenta replies, peering at him.

"No." There's a pause. Sanggyun blinks. "Okay, yeah — but it's because I've been thinking, and I came up with an idea."

Kenta stares at him, waiting for him to continue. "An idea...?" Part of him feels nervous at where this conversation might be going, but he doesn't speak on it. 

"Yeah... just something that would keep us together for longer. Y'know, since you're worried about it and everything." Kenta has the feeling that he's not the only one who has been worrying about this between the two of them, but he lets it slide anyway.

He blinks twice, the corners of his mouth turning down as he tries to ignore how his stomach twists at the word _together_. "Mm?"

"You know how I was thinking of asking my agency to let me act?" Sanggyun starts, picking absently at a loose thread on Kenta's blanket, a spot near Kenta's shoulder.

"Mm," Kenta says again, still looking at him.

"Well what if you join me?"

Now kenta is just confused. His brows furrow. _Huh?_ "What? I don't understand."

Sanggyun shifts his gaze from the blanket to look properly at Kenta again. He's smiling slightly, and Kenta can see a little twinkle in his eye even in the semi-darkness of their room. "Your company hasn't decided on your plans yet, right? So we should ask them to let you do acting for a bit, too. With me."

Sanggyun's fingers stops picking at that thread, and as he speaks, he lets his hand rest with an open palm on the top of the blanket. Kenta can feel the warmth of his hand on his shoulder through the fabric; he's always been hyper-aware of Sanggyun whenever he's close, even if he pretends not to notice.

"That sounds, ah..." Kenta's mind reels as he tries to wrap his mind around the idea.

He has never really acted before, not seriously anyway and not in Korea; his company has mentioned it off-handedly before but they have always pushed him towards singing OSTs rather than actually participating in the dramas. The chance is between slim and none that he'd ever be given a real role, but just the thought itself of getting to continue working with Sanggyun leaves him feeling a little hopeful anyway, and that ache in his chest starts to fade just a little.

"Do you really mean it? You'd want me to act with you?" He asks quietly. Sanggyun has been talking about acting for a while, so it's touching that he wants Kenta to do it, too... 

"Mhm. I think you'd look cool on-screen," he says encouragingly.

Kenta chews his lip, the excitement turning into nervousness as he starts seriously thinking about it. More awake now than before, he moves, sitting up in his bed. This makes Sanggyun's hand drop off of his shoulder as Kenta adjusts to face his roommate with his legs crossed, the blanket now underneath him.

"Alright. I'll do it," Kenta affirms, sounding a little breathless. _If we can convince them,_ he thinks, but he knows Sanggyun is smart, he already understands the odds of getting to bring this idea to fruition so there's no need to speak it out loud. 

Sanggyun's eyes crinkle as he smiles genuinely, and Kenta offers a smiles back. "Really?" Sanggyun says, happy, "I mean, cool — let's talk to our people and make it work!"

Kenta nods. His mind wanders as he allows himself to think hopeful things about a future with Sanggyun for the first time in months. Anxiety bubbles up within him even still though, as he fetches his mind back from wandering. "But I'm not very good at acting."

"You just need practise," Comes Sanggyun's reassuring reply. He seems to have brightened up since Kenta agreed to his idea, which makes Kenta's heart warm in a fond way. The ramen problem seems to have been forgotten. "Want to try it with me? I can help you."

Kenta blinks. "What, right now?"

"Yeah, just follow me."

Sanggyun shifts. He reaches forward, suddenly taking Kenta's hand from where it was lying in his own lap and pulling it towards him to rest between them. He rests his hand over Kenta's, though not quite holding onto it.

Kenta stares at his roommate. Sanggyun seems to be suppressing a smile, but he looks Kenta dead in the eyes, seemingly unfazed while Kenta knows he's probably making a an embarrassed expression that he can't really control.

Sanggyun's hand tightens around his, and Kenta panics slightly. 

"Wait, what kind of drama are you planning to—" Kenta starts to complain, trying to draw his hand away but Sanggyun interrupts, speaking in a low and uncharacteristically serious voice:

"Kenta, we belong together."

It's so sudden that Kenta's mouth drops open. his heart thumps hard once against his chest, and his brain goes a little bit fuzzy. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows perfectly well that this is just Sanggyun's 'acting', that he's trying to prove some kind of point, but Kenta's reaction is real. 

"I..."

Sanggyun is looking at him expectantly. Kenta's throat feels lodged in a way that has come to be familiar when Sanggyun does these things: when he has these random bursts of affection or when he lays the sweet nothings on thick, just like this, even though he's pretty sure that most of the time, it's just to see Kenta get flustered.

It takes a good ten seconds for Kenta to be able to finally speak, though he only lets out a very lame little: "Um... I don't know what to say."

Sanggyun blinks at him twice, then pulls his hand away and laughs.

"Jeez, that's it? You need to work on your improv."

"I told you I'm bad at this," Kenta whines softly, feeling the heat creep up his neck. His hand feels warm, even though Sanggyun has just let go. "Then what was I supposed to say?"

"Just something cheesy. Something like, hmm..." Sanggyun draws it out, and then his mouth twists up in a playful expression that Kenta has learned will always come before a (usually bad) joke. He braces himself, but what the dark-haired man says next still leaves him flustered:

"How about _'we're forever, right?'_ " he hums, referencing a line in Japanese from a magazine interview a few weeks ago that Kenta didn't think Sanggyun actually knew about. 

Sanggyun is already laughing again as Kenta gasps.

"You're making fun of me!" His voice takes on that 'whiny' tone that was mentioned but he doesn't care. Sanggyun seems to find this hilarious — his eyes disappear, his hand coming to his mouth as Kenta reaches over to hit his other arm. Sanggyun doesn’t deny that he’s teasing Kenta, which makes the blonde all the more frustrated. 

"You know what, maybe you _are_ a good actor already," Sanggyun is saying through his hand, his eyes still grinning at him. "I don't know anyone else who could fake a blush like that. Amazing—"

Kenta screws up his face at him again, pushing on Sanggyun's chest half-heartedly and whining about how he needs to sleep and Sanggyun thankfully relents, sliding away before returning to his own bed. 

Despite the way his face still burns from Sanggyun's teasing, Kenta's heart feels lighter than it has been in weeks. Comfortable silence settles over the room as both boys finally withdraw into their own thoughts, smiling to themselves in the dark.   
  


* * *

 

> _Some time later._

 

Hot, chicken-scented steam billows up between them from equally giant-sized ramen bowls. Kenta is about halfway done his bowl and is working on scooping up some of the broth, while Sanggyun has noodles halfway to his mouth as Kenta watches him stop, look at them pensively, then put his chopsticks down. 

"Hey, Kenta."

"Yes?" 

Sanggyun purses his lips for a moment as if thinking, though Kenta can't figure out what about. A second later, a light smile appears on his lips and then, suddenly: "I love you."

That throb of his heart comes back full-force and Kenta stares at him for a long moment. "You're acting again," he guesses, but it sounds more like a statement than a question. 

Weirdly, Sanggyun doesn't react with a laugh or playful look like he always does, at least not right away. That little smile is still there but it takes him just a half of a second too long to respond, as he's looking down at his bowl.

"Am I?" he says cryptically, before picking up some noodles again. His eyes crinkle at the corners again and then he adds, in a laughing tone again: "I must be getting pretty talented if even you can't tell when i'm acting or not." With that he takes a bite, then looks up at Kenta. 

Kenta lets out a breath that he didn't know he'd been holding. His own gaze turns down as he fishes through his broth for a piece of onion. "Mm, you're still pretty cringy though," he says, the insult softened by his smile.

This makes Sanggyun laugh once more, and the air between them slowly starts to return to normal as they finish the rest of their meal together. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> based on [this vlive](http://www.vlive.tv/video/67623?channelCode=D864D9) as well as the news from yesterday
> 
> i don't normally write canon stuff but i've had a lot of thoughts about these two lately! this is not edited at all but hopefully it's not illegible


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